Saturday, 11 January 2014

On Miracles...

going into my twenties i felt a huge shift from my usually assertive & outgoing self to a more reserved version of the young carefree girl i once was. people's opinions started to matter more & my clear vision of the person i was & the person i wanted to be, mattered less. i felt my emotions quickly starting to slip out of my control & lost a lust for many of the things that usually thrilled me. 
my doctor & my homoeopath & the therapist & a plethora of other specialists i sought out for some help,  called it 'clinical anxiety' but to me it has always been the natural progression of my age, experiences & my journey.

i've never gone on any medications to 'control it', nor have i ever wished it away. there are certainly times of anxiousness that i could have gone without- but for me, in my experience, being open to the path my emotional state has taken and really paying attention to how things affect me has empowered the way i live my life.

i'm telling you all this not because i want any sympathy. to be honest, i'm sure if any given person looks up 'clinical anxiety' & goes through the umbrella of characteristics it encompasses, we all have it! 
i'm telling you this because only now, at the end of my 25th year, do I feel like i'm making big leaps towards understanding what's going on with my mind, my body & my emotions. 
and to me that calls for a mini celebration, in the form of this post :)

the acceptance i've always wanted from myself is happening. it's happening slowly, but steadily. i'm learning about myself in ways that i've never took the time out to explore before.

 i have strong opinions. i'm judgemental. i fixate or am ridiculously passionate, depending on who you ask. i am loyal in ways that makes me question my sanity. i'm vocal & have a need to communicate in tough situations. i'm a good mom. a really good mom. i'm confident. sometimes. & deeply spiritual. those are a few things i've learned about myself. it doesn't matter much if i love or hate these traits- what matters is that i know them and i work with them and i accept them. 

so if you're feeling lost, or unhappy, or just not yourself- my only message would be to feel it. 
truly sit with those emotions & breath through them. they'll start unravelling and showing you things that will begin to make you a version of yourself that will surpass your wildest dreams. 

in all my 'active' pursuits of trying to 'control' my feelings, i failed miserably. i would wait for whatever doctor or whatever homoeopathic remedy or whatever self-help book to do the work for me. 
to make it go away, quickly.
 but for me, it's been with time, patience & acceptance that i'm able to learn about myself. and when i learn more about my self, i'm more invested in myself. and when i'm more invested in myself, i conduct my life with better intention. and that is slowly making me the intuitive, calm & confident woman I've always wanted to be. & i'm immensely proud of that!

i mentioned self-help books above & for the majority i do absolutely loathe them. but there is an author (or guru, as I call her) in particular that i like. her name is Gabrielle Bernstein. yes, she's a cheerleader. yes, her smiling mug is on every ounce of her material. yes, she makes it look easy all while having perfectly manicured nails & glossed lips. but i like her. i've read her books in the past & some of the material has stuck but much of it just filtered through my anxiety until i wasn't left with all that much from her teachings. so, i'm trying again. 

i'm going to read May Cause Miracles: A 40-Day Guidebook of Subtle Shifts for Radical Change and Unlimited Happiness. the premise is basically a 40-day emotional cleanse in pursuit of 'miracles' aka infinite abyss of happiness (pffft, ya right). but i'm giving it a try to take any little bits of miracle work that i can to make myself even marginally more successful at this whole figuring myself out thing. 
every week is a broad topic of exploration with a sub-topic each day that you have literal 'homework' to complete in order to move onto the next day. there's even a daily meditation! & i'm going to blog about it. i think. not everyday for 40 days but i'll give you updates & hope that maybe some of you will do it with me? any takers?

anyways, that was my rant. or celebration. or whatever you call it. this is usually the point where i would apologize for being so long winded or annoyingly optimistic but in keeping with the entire message of this post, i'm not going to. 
because i'm not sorry & if only one person reads this and can identify with any little bit of it- it was worth it. 

***i want to add that the way i've dealt with my anxiety issues have worked for me. i'm in no way looking to shame those who have sought out help medically or chemically, as i fully understand the value of these solutions. everyone is different & i celebrate each journey without judgement.


  1. I can relate to so much of this. Every year as I get older, I feel like the more constant soul searching is required to understand this new person I am becoming. Like you said, you just gotta feel it, have to embrace all these new changes and emotions that sometimes make you stop in your tracks and wonder how you got here from 22--these changes are growth and growth is so good, right? Thanks so much for writing and for sharing. And Happy New Year!

    1. I'm with you, these changes are SO important. I get so caught up sometimes in the idea that I'll work to "understand" my emotions and then I can cross that task off my life and be done! But it's a never ending discovery... and once we can accept that & be willing to always check in with ourselves I think we'll all be so much better for it in the end! Can't thank you enough for your warm comment, means the world xo

  2. I am proud of you too. This was very well written and makes me feel happy all over for you. Love this post and love you. Keep sharing please.


    1. Heyyy... I never saw this! Thank you, lurve you & miss you

  3. I love this post, and I can't tell you how much of what you wrote I have been thinking to myself. Recently I finished reading 'the happiness project' and oh my goodness, it made me ask myself a lot of questions and in the last 4 months have put a lot of changes in place that have helped me get to that place where you think, 'i'm going to be okay!'. I'm glad I came across your blog through Oh! You Pretty Things 'Instagram Mamas Who Blog' post.


    1. Lauren, thank you! You have no idea what feedback like this does to my own journey as well... it's so validating to know people think about the same weird things I think about. And how important it is for all of us to connect & let each other know that we understand! I appreciate that so much xo

  4. This mirrors my journey as well -- I got married at nearly 22 & thought it was marriage that caused me to question everything about myself, but I see. like you, that it is life & discovering who I really want to be, what my glorious nature is that has caused me to begin to blossom. This was a truly beautiful & important post

    1. I can't thank you enough Heidi, & I'm with you on the importance of being open to connect with others. I often think we're all so much more alike than any of us would be willing to admit :) xo