i'm 34 weeks pregnant. 2 more weeks until she's fully cooked & 6 more weeks until we get to meet her.
i'm looking forward to it more than anyone could imagine but the anticipation is so overwhelming at times, it hurts.
i have no idea what having 2 under 2 will be like. i have no idea how Henri will be with a baby around. i have no idea how the baby will be.
sleep? no sleep? will i have better luck breastfeeding this time? will my labour go smoothly?
and then my mind wanders into having a little girl.
i'm not a boy, so i can't understand first hand what a typical boys childhood is like from inside. i ask lots of questions (to my hubby mostly) & we discuss things like body image, validation of emotions & the entire idea of masculinity.
we've spent hours as parents talking about what we want for Henri & what values we'd like to instill & in what ways we're going to foster them. but in truth, i understand that the example we (but in particular my husband) model for him will be the most influential.
my husband is exactly the kind of man i want Henri to become & i've not for a second worried about it. he's in good hands, with an exceptional role model & friend in his father.
so this brings me to having a little girl on the way.
will i be a good role model for her?
this question eats away at me.
i have such vivid memories of what my childhood was like & such strong emotions attached to each stage and event.
i remember every feeling. and i had lots of them.
i had a pretty normal upbringing, nothing catastrophic happened though things weren't perfect either but that didn't rid my life (or any ones for that matter) of having to understand the way i felt & why.
i want to help her. i want me, my husband, Henri & her to always be able to help each other.
i often think as parents we try to uphold reputation of "understanding" things, of "having a grasp" on them & of passing our advice as the "best way" to deal with our children's issues.
i don't want to be that parent. i never want to have all the answers because it means that i've stopped self discovery. & if i've stopped discovering myself then i'm no longer learning.
& if i'm not learning then what kind of support or example can i be to the little people who mean the most in my life?
i'd be useless. & my one goal for myself in motherhood is to always to useful.
seems the moral of my story
(which BY THE WAY was supposed to be a post about newborn essentials we couldn't live without... which I'll still try to get to at some point)
is to accept that i'll never fully know myself. i change so much year to year that this whole self discovery thing seems like a new, taunting venture every morning, every week, every month & every year.
i want my kids to learn that.
i want them to relish in the fact that by being creative, exploring, thinking, feeling, talking, doing & listening they will learn things about themselves they would have never discovered otherwise.
i want them to find peace in the unknown & hope in the darkness by understanding that we're a team who are never willing to let our egos get in the way of our breakthroughs as a family & as individuals.
i want to be open to full disclosure (within reason) about my struggles & my path because that's the way i want them to be with us, their parents.
this may sound romantic to most, but to me it's just the way i see our dynamic working. & understanding that it starts with my vulnerability & openness.
all of us, all in pursuit of peace, understanding & a fulfilled life together.
what more could a mother ask for?
this post is all over the place & messy, but i'm not editing a damn thing because guess what? confidently, so am i :)